FYI this post is me keeping it real. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows and if it was, that would be a lie. I write this because I want people to know what I go through. What many people do. To know that if they’re going through it they’re not alone. To know that they don’t have to give up hope on being “normal” or “unbroken” even when it feels like that’s pretty much the new normal.
I’ve been feeling pretty good. My doctor was seriously ecstatic about how far I’d come from the first time I visited her two months ago. Yes, I’m not embarrassed to say that I do see a doctor. It had been a long road till then but it still was a bumpy one even after, the difference was that this time I had an ally in my corner who knew what she was doing and was methodical in doing it. While I’m thankful for my first doctor, he wasn’t the fit I needed.
The thing about depression and anxiety is that you never really trust yourself. You doubt that you’ll stay feeling better because the idea that things are “normal” seems hard to swallow. Surely it’ll come back at any moment. That’s the way it works. You just don’t have very high expectations when things are crap for so long, no matter what it is you’re trying to get better. The thing about depression is that you started to get sucked in and it feels like an old friend that’s just comfortable. You become complacent and think that this is just what it is.
But anxiety is another story. Anxiety sucks. Vicious circle that it is, though, the anxiety fuels the depression. Yay, because worrying that you are becoming depressed isn’t stressful at all. ::sarcasm font::
Sure enough, that nagging little pit was creeping. I can always see it coming. It’s like a tiny mouse sneaking around at night trying to find a way into the house to get out of the cold. Determined. Unwanted. Always finding a way and you just can’t seem to get it out of your garage. It digs deeper and makes itself cozy in a nice warm home.
I knew it. I started to feel stressed about the magical birthday weekend. So much work to do at the office, so many logistics for the weekend. The tell tale sign? The night before the John Mayer concert, I didn’t even really feel like going. I knew I had to, I bought the tickets and HELLO it’s John Mayer in Austin. How could I not go with my John Mayer partner in crime? We went and of course it was awesome.
Sunday night, after the whirlwind weekend, it ramped up. I could feel my head spinning. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t settle to sleep because I had to do stuff.
Then it got worse. J could see it. I hate that he has to see me and worry. My best friends saw it just from the few texts we shared that morning. I have to tell myself it was probably entertaining because spazzy Jess is kind of amusing. I think, anyway, because despite feeling the way I do, I can completely see that what I am doing and feeling is irrational. I know I need to calm down but I just can’t. The little mouse is on the wheel and spinning fast as he can to the middle of nowhere.
And Tuesday it was worse.
But that’s the difference between having a network, the right medical care (and not being afraid to seek it out and use it), friends who undedrstand, and the fearlessness to recognize and ask for help.
So there’s a plan. Always a plan. But it’s a battle, that’s for sure. I’m thankful for the insight I’ve gained by battling through this. I understand the people around me who are fighting. I can sympathize. I can empathize with the ones who love them. But most of all, I know I can keep pushing through it.
John said it right, in one of my favorite songs from Born & Raised, “Age of Worry.”
Here are a few lines from the chorus:
Alive in the age of worry.
Smile in the age of worry.
Worry, why should I care?
Rage in the age of worry.
Worry get out of here!
He always knows just what to say. Wise dude, that guy. And one hell of a guitar player.