I haven’t talked much about my depression or anxiety in a while. I don’t have anything to hide, I just hadn’t talked about it. That’s the “funny thing” about depression, you either don’t want to talk about it or you just don’t have the energy. Or you’re feeling better and you just don’t want to jinx it. I guess I didn’t have much to say so I said nothing at all.
It’s been a long road that I’ve journeyed for about a year, truly battled, anyway.
Overall, it’s been good. Better. I can smile. I have energy. But there are days when you have those tiny voices popping back up telling you it’s back, just because you had an off day. You feel like a fool to think you’re better because how is that possible? On days like that, when hugs, music, meds, calming thoughts don’t work, the only option left is to run.
I set out Sunday night to escape the anxiety of teaching Sunday school by myself, the heaviness of a sick kid and her jealous sister, coupled with the growing to do list at work.
On my run, I thought about a friend’s blog and how she tells her kids to “shine bright” and I thought the sky was perfect. Despite the rolling clouds and setting sun, it wasn’t really dark. Even at 6:00 on a cold November night.
That’s all you ever really need, right? Just that little glimmer of something to remind you that sometime, someday it will get better.
Sometimes running is all I can do to break the funk. There’s something about the wind in your face and the feel of escape from blah, pressure and anxiety. Sometimes I wish I could just run eyes closed and mind free, listening to the words of my favorite songs, taking in the sounds and feelings around me. Only a runner who understands the non-stop ideas and the need to run understands the completely freeing feeling of running blind.
Running in the night wind and cold drizzle felt incredible. Liberating. Empowering. I beat my average pace per mile and came home revitalized.
My best friend once said, “don’t be a defeatist.” Her words stuck. It’s not a setback it’s just a bad day and an ongoing battle. She’s one of the smartest ladies I’m lucky to have in my life.