The battle that doesn’t end.

It’s Friday night and it’s been a long week. But I’ve also got a long weekend at home with minimal plans. This should be as awesome as the two servings of cobbler I stuffed myself with at lunch.

I didn’t go run, but instead got the girls to bed and cozied up in bed with the DVR and caught up on my trash tv- Sister Wives, Breaking Amish, and All My Children. Ahhhhh. Couple it with my nagging Pinterest obsession and an iPad close at hand and it’s perfection. Except it’s not.

I could feel it.

That tiny little pit that is in the back of my head.

That nagging feeling that it’s back because it’s been too good for too long. Surely I couldn’t have gotten the mix right this time.

I went to bed because that was the better option than staying awake melancholy.

Depression.

Such shit. So frustrating. So hard to understand why these blah feelings sneak up on you when everything is good and there’s no reason for them to come.

I had no interest in going on my 4 mile training run this morning. Knowing that if I’m serious about making a marathon happen (successfully) I needed to get my butt out there. I went. Begrudgingly. It was sweaty, long and slow, but over 4.5 miles later, Allie and I were back in time for a quick shower then we rushed off to the first ballet class of the school year.
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I grabbed my first pumpkin spice latte of the season and listened to my favorite music–loudly. Can’t break the funk if you don’t at least try. An hour of me time in the middle of a crowded Starbucks. I was in my own world ignoring it all and hiding in my headphones. Texting with my favorites made my heart happy.

I put my face on and took care of my social engagements. Isn’t it Murphy’s law that when you just want to be at home you’ve got plans? It was better than last night but I can still feel the sads far too close for comfort.

Depression is a war. It’s not a battle that you can easily conquer. Like war, it’s often for no good explanation, but inevitably innocent bystanders get stuck in the middle. It’s a marathon that feels like you’ll never finish.

Luckily there’s some good scenery along the way to distract you during the meh and the blah. Luckily there are amazing people that say random things to make you smile. Luckily I have a shoulder to bury myself in and foreheads to kiss and hold close.

I am loved. And that helps. The ones who love you understand and are ready to fight with you.

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