It’s amazing how time flies. It feels like I can’t even remember being pregnant with my monkey, but I do remember…
…running a 10k then realizing the very next day, our anniversary, that I was pregnant. I should have known then that she’d be an independent and spirited little runner.
…going to the store to buy a cake (even though she couldn’t quite read yet) to tell her that she was going to be a big sister. I remember wandering the aisles at Walmart to find the perfect iron-on letters to make her a glittery “Big Sister” shirt.
…waiting for the grandpas and grandmas to get the big news. Just like with Ava, I put an ultrasound picture in a frame to tell them. Only this time, we mailed them. And this time, Ava was holding the ultrasound while wearing her “Big Sister” shirt proudly.
…it hitting me that the last time I had a baby shower, I flew in from Miami and my mom picked me up and took me to my hair dresser after a really long flight. I was on the road recruiting for SMU and came home to El Paso. Despite going through chemo at that time while still teaching first grade, my mom (and family) through me a huge baby shower with tons of people.
…melting down before Allie’s amazing baby shower. My mom wouldn’t be there. My best friend hosted the most wonderful party with my favorite foods and people. Even my friends from afar were there in spirit sharing the love. I remember feeling how much I was loved and knew Allie would be too.
…not wanting Allie to be born early on the 19th. I couldn’t even begin to fathom having to celebrate her birthday on the day I lost my mom.
…the false alarm that left me walking 2 miles in the hospital hallways thinking maybe she’d just come out.
…dropping Ava off at two of my best friends’ house. I remember that one last picture of just me and her–our last picture of us that she was my only baby. I remember leaving and being so sad, knowing I’d miss her like crazy.
…setting my alarm to get up to go to the hospital for my induction. Only I didn’t need it, because Allie woke me up 10 minutes earlier with contractions. She planned to come that day–no assistance required. She made her quick entrance by 9:00 that morning. Barely enough time to get my doctor to say hi and then come upstairs after his first appointment. Definitely not the speed we were anticipating.
…desperately wanting to leave the hospital. I missed Ava. I missed my home. I wanted to be with my little family in our little place.
…taking a two-week old baby to a house closing. And then moving into our new home with her. Call me an overachiever, but I took advantage of my maternity leave and we bought a house, moved, and Ava stayed home with me all summer.
She is amazing. She never ceases to make me smile when I see her funny face or silly smile. She’s her own person and she is absolutely stubborn. She’s just mastered “I don’t like that” and knows that if she just asks to “watch tv?” in her tiny baby voice that *maybe* she can put off bedtime that much longer.
She never stays still and prefers to walk, rather than sitting in the cart–or anywhere for that matter.
She is perfect.
And now, as I sit and think about all of that, I can’t help but get sad.
My greatest fear in having a second baby was that she wouldn’t be here for any of that. That she wouldn’t answer the call at 4:00am when I told her I was pretty sure I was going into labor. That she wouldn’t hold my baby or teach her how to read. That she wouldn’t watch this tiny person blossom.
But she is. In her way.
I guess the girls have their own angel. So there’s that.
To get rid of the sads before I go get my beautiful girl from school before her swim lessons, I’m going to run. Sometimes it’s not about you and that’s the only answer when crying isn’t an option. Because today is all about that precious little baby big girl.