It’s all About Me. I’m scared. I’m ready.

In less than a few hours I’ll be on the road for my first solo trip as a mom. And what a doozy I’ve chosen as my first. The ultimate girl’s weekend, BLISSDOM.

I’m headed up the road to Dallas for a non-stop weekend (I literally have plans from 7:00 workout till 11:00 pm) with 1000 other women for a conference that promises fun, learning, music, cool stuff, silliness, and even a 5k (well that part me and my roomies are doing on our own).

I’m nervous.

But I’m not feeling sick anymore, so that’s definitely a plus. Thanks, antibiotics and urgent care.

I’m anxious.

Not about meeting new people. I’m actually really pumped about that. And getting to squish all the faces I’ve known for so long that live in my computer? So cool.

But the anxiety is up there. And I hate it. With so much to do and so much to get done and ohmygosh what if I forget … or I don’t get to finish … and I still need to …. I’m trying to breathe.

But that was yesterday. Today is slightly more calm.

There’s nothing I can forget that I can’t buy. Nothing pressing is on the table at work and I can be superwoman and work like the speed of light this morning. Everything is managed and I’m lucky to have a great partner at the office who is helping me make that happen. She’s priceless and has helped to keep me grounded and sane. I appreciate you so, so much.

I spent forever packing. Carefully laying each piece out then, making a list because I can’t keep it straight in my head to make sure I have clothes for each day and each event. Analyzing each pair of shoes and jewelry. The Type A and OCD in me was on overdrive planning out each detail.

Everyone says it doesn’t matter what you wear. I know it doesn’t, I’m me. But you know my motto, “look good, feel good.” I want to enjoy and still be comfortable. I don’t want to be self-conscious about being over or under dressed. My bestie was even my personal shopper for me yesterday since I was stuck at the office through lunch. And now I finally have a white cardi. And the last minute details I needed.

I’m ready to have fun.

But I’m a little worried I’ll be so worked up I may not.

I’m ready to meet new friends.

But I hope I don’t have to fake the happy. Depression is a creeper like that.

I pretty much never drink and really don’t plan to this weekend.

I’m ready to run.

I’m ready and open to just let this weekend be about me.

My time.

And that’s scary. The guilt that I’m not there can’t be helped. That’s who I am.

I’m scared my depression will roar because I miss them all so bad, because I can’t be with them. I’m scared I’ll worry that Allie is upset because she misses me and doesn’t understand where I am–or if I’m coming back. I know she’ll have a blast. I know they’ll all be fine without me for one weekend. Three nights. I know they’ll play games and be silly like they always do. They’ll go out to eat, they’ll go for walks, they’ll do what they do. I am so blessed with an amazing husband who loves us more than words. Who takes care of me and makes me happy. He makes us all laugh and I’m thankful for every day we have.

I know my roommates and my roommate in spirit will keep me distracted. They’ll make sure I have fun. Michelle already promised me. Twice.

I’m worried I’ll be too worn out to keep late hours and I’ll miss out on fun. I’m not a night owl. It’s 4 am and Allie thought she should get some last minute Gabba watching with me. I’m ok with that.

But I’m so excited for this huge step.

Like John Mayer says, “I’m in repair. I’m not together but I’m getting there.”

Just me. And it’ll be ok.


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