Putting on my face.

Bad days are never good. I mean obviously, that’s why they’re bad. But on bad days they’re even worse because usually that’s when I think of her more.

I’ve been having a few of those bad days. Kind of a lot. But that’s where an awesome husband and supportive friends come in. (thank you)

And on those bad days when my mind is racing and I can’t seem to smile or calm to get something done, I think of her.

A picture. A smell. A sound. Something inevitably reminds me of her and I’m taken even further down that road.

That’s not always a good thing.

So today to try and break the sads and the wandering mind, I thought I’d listen to a little bit of happy. I love Christmas music. So what if it isn’t even Halloween. Usually I make it to November 1, but eh, exceptions can be made. Anything to try to help, right?

Except it didn’t work it’s magic the way it always does.

But then I saw this and MAN did I get a good laugh. It’s been a while since I laughed like that. Gah, I had tears from laughing so hard.

****

I saw the Avon catalog sitting on the powder room counter, touting the Christmas goodies. I grabbed it.

Later I started thumbing through it and the sads hit again. My mom put together the best Christmas stockings. All the random crap. The lotions, the chapsticks, the cool combs and knick knacks.

Sigh.

But I grabbed the catalog so I can pass that on to Ava. She’s getting big now and cares about stuff like that. Now I can put together the awesome stockings.

I scoped out the chapsticks I knew she had to have. The cute lotion for her purse. The cheesy pendant necklace with her initial on it.

I was reminded that I am gonna be a mama to my girls like mine was to me.

And I smiled through the sads.

****

I think the biggest thing about me is I’m very good at putting on my game face. If I don’t tell you, you won’t know what’s going on. And I prefer it that way.

My game face is a good reminder to me and everyone else out there to be nice. Be kind. Be gentle. Because on the other side, you don’t know what’s going on in there.

And as my wonderful, caring boss gave me a hug on my way out this afternoon, I was reminded that sometimes it’s nice to let people in.

****

I wasn’t sure about hitting publish. But this is me. Not all shiny unicorns and rainbows. And if someone else understands or feels better by what I’ve said, then it was worth it. Words are therapeutic, right?

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10 thoughts on “Putting on my face.

  1. You know what? This is you and I care about you and love you. You are suh a good mama and her legacy is alive and you are making sure your girls know about her.

    You are human and doing the best you can. I am here if you need me.

    And you know what else, I am glad you hit publish. You have more courage than me.

  2. Oh mija, I just want to come give you a hug. A real hug. A tight, it’s going to be alright hug. I have not lost my mom yet ( God to say that even scares me) but I did have the misfortune of a huge loss and I know it makes it hard to breathe and carry on. I know you miss your mom everyday. BUt you carry her in your heart and you pass her on to your girls. They will know their abuelita through you, through her stockings. Through your smile and the way you braid their hair and cook a meal. The way you kiss them good night and look at them like they are the most amazing things in the world; you learned this from your mom. They will feel your love, her love and she is always with you,even when you feel like she is gone.

    I am truly sorry that you are having the sads. God, I wish I lived closer because I promise I would do whatever I could to cheer you up. WIne and hugs my friend. If you need to talk, please call me anytime. You have my number. XO

  3. My mom rocks at the Avon goodies. I think that is an essential tradition to keep alive. It is part of feeling loved and spoiled and cherished.

    You are a wonderful mom and a wonderful friend.

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